i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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