WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize