So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
