Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
