I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
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