your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize