He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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