this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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