um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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