seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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