the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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