I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
