dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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