I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
