ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
