If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
