every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
