I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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