she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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