Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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