You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
