So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
