I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
