I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
