drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
