Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I smell stomach acid.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
