In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
