The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
