i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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