you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
