He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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