the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
