I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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