Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
