please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need to calm my uterus...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
