Need sex. Gaining weight.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
