she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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