I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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