life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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