Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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