i already hear my dad disowning me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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