Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
