at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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