You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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