i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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