just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to jail i love you
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
