Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
