I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
