Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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