i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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