dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
