and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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