Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
