I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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