Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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