..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
