when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
