Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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