I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
