I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
