I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize