Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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