My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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