Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
True strength comes from lack of pants
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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