Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
