u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
