yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
