shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
